Have you ever felt stuck in a conversation or a relationship? I have for sure, and I bet that most of you know this experience as well.

When things aren’t going well with a relationship and you are tempted to give up and walk away, it’s important to remember that you always have options. Rather than giving up, use one or more of these tips for getting unstuck and continuing on to positive problem-solving.

Imagine a positive outcome
Using Stephen Covey’s technique of “beginning with the end in mind,” imagine a positive resolution for the impasse in your conversation or relationship and then work toward that picture.

Remember the good
In difficult times, being able to remember the good qualities of the other person and the good memories you have shared helps avoid the temptation to paint the other person as totally without merit.

Practice LEAP
In most situations it is helpful to:

Listen: Listening to yourself and others helps you to be more in touch with the “heart of the matter,” with what is most important.

Empathize: Expressing care for the other, especially in difficult circumstances, helps warm the environment and leads to “both-and” rather than “either-or” solutions.

Agree: Identifying at least one–and hopefully more–areas of agreement is helpful in addressing the disagreements among parties. Remembering the areas of agreement reminds you of what you have achieved in the past and what you can achieve in the future with work.

Partner: Exploring ways you have already partnered with the other person creates positive energy and greater capacity for new partnering on a new agreement, leading to a successful outcome.

Seek win-win solutions
When you are stuck, you can be tempted to frame the interaction in terms of “my way or the highway.” While that offers some temporary satisfaction, it rarely improves the situation long term. Being able to seriously consider a “win-win” solution that works for everyone tests your creativity and ability to engage in effective conflict management. It also allows you to move from frustration to a greater sense of peace and possibility.

These four tips are things I try to use regularly myself. In my experience, it’s worth it to give them a try. Good luck in taking the LEAP!

John Reid, Senior Consultant
The Reid Group

Memory -sharing and Storytelling
Building on memories and sharing stories are good ways to engage people in the planning process.  Stories often add humor as well as seriousness to planning. They help planners know and respect the values of the people who created parishes, schools, religious communities and other organizations.  We return to the past not to recreate “the good ole days,” but to honor those who have gone before us and the great sacrifices they made for those whom they served.  We are energized by those who went before us and made a difference.

Identifying the “elephants in the room”
The “elephants” are often something people dread or hesitate to speak about.  For instance, everyone on a tri-parish planning team might “know” that all three parishes cannot survive because of changing demographics, but no one wants to bring the subject up.  Once it is brought to the table, creative solutions can be sought.  A lot of unneeded anxiety can be avoided by surfacing what needs to be addressed.  Too much energy is often wasted on avoidance.

Using geography 
Using geography refers to getting people out of their seats showing where they stand on a continuum of preferences.  For instance, one may want the whole group to see where people stand on a “change continuum” with those who love change at one end and those who resist it with a vengeance at the other end.  There are no “right” places on the continuum and good discussions often follow as people describe where they are on the line.  Continuums can also be used for showing preferences for various decisions or models.  Circles can be used to have people take an opposite tact than what they are currently espousing.  Standing on one side they can argue for the value of certain points.  When they are asked to take the opposite point of view they move to the other side of the circle, etc.

Ritualizing good times and bad 
Rituals have power to heal and to energize.  Celebrating the end of a planning phase with a meal together points to the bonding that is happening, the energy that is generated and the future that is hoped for.  Sharing artifacts, lighting candles, blessing with water, anointing with oil, “burning the old” are all deeply held Christian symbols that help identify communities of faith and help heal the losses and the hurts.  Many non-profits also employ rituals to enhance their planning journeys.

Prioritizing 
In all planning processes, there is the need to prioritize.  All possible strategies are not of equal value.  Sometimes some things must happen before others. To avoid loading too many action steps on the first year of a plan, prioritize.  One way to do this, or at least to begin the discussion is to use “dot stickers.” If there are ten things which need to be ranked, give each participant 3-5 dotes to put on the items they think are most critical. Add the dots per item and initiate a discussion based on which items got the most dots and consequently mat be considered a priority.

Maureen Gallagher, Senior Consultant
The Reid Group